I am in in the midst of a mini-crisis. I'm trying to find myself, find God, do school, housework, take care of a kitty, and be a good boyfriend. I feel spiritually empty, and I know what I need to do. I know I need to meditate and feel God, but I can't. I know I need to meditate and dissolve my ego, get rid of desire, and I'll alleviate suffering. I know all the teachings, but I can't do them! I can't meditate. I don't know why. I've tried several times; I just doesn't seem to work. Plus it's hard to sit because I have a bad back and it hurts. I need help. I need help, God! I want to feel God's presence and unconditional love, but I can't for some reason. so that's the state of my life right now. there's good things, and happy things... but it's just hard to stay happy all the time. perhaps this website can help for some reason. I don't know. now onto my history.
for more info, meander on over to my live journal info page here or my livejournal itself here

I was raised Catholic, complete with St. Anthony, an oppressive Catholic school. [I still go back to visit my teachers, though =) I vist my teachers from high school, also]. In 7th and 8th grade, my best friends Jeff Shane [also went to St. Anthony] and Jeff Zigweid [went to a different school, but was raised Catholic], went on a quest into Paganism. I studied and practised Wicca for 2-3 years, much to my mother's dismay. [Jeff, Jeff, and I ventured into the world of Gothic-industrial, depressing music, and Vampire:the Masquerade roleplaying, too. After this, I went into a period of not really believing anything... spirituality didn't concern me at the time.

at the beginning of 11th grade, about two and a half years ago, I had my spiritual awakening. 11th grade was probably the biggest change in my life...

[the next biggest change was my 18th year... I became an adult, Michelle moved in, I dropped out of school and came back--twice--my dad got married--and just earlier this year... March 2003, my mom got married... when both my parents had been divorced for almost 10 years and my dad was anti-marriage... I got out of high school, Michelle and I house-sat for a teacher for a month (hugest, nicest house ever), and then we moved into our own apartment, and we started college. almost all of it in one summer of my 18th year. all sorts of crazy stuff.]

...I was 16 [and was to soon turn 17 in october]. Michelle and I started seeing each other more frequently [we were still in California and Washington, 700 miles apart], and in August before junior year, we started offically dating, or "going out". In September, the weekend before my junior year started, I attended Bumbershoot [Annual music and arts festival in Seattle... very cool thing. get in for $14 bucks a day and you can see AniDifranco, Sugar Ray or Everlast, Sonic Youth, all sorts of bands and performers, for no extra charge.. and there's tons of booths and mini-stages with ethnic performers... it used to be free, though, in the good ol' days.] When I was leaving Bumbershoot, there was a booth for NARN [Northwest Animal Rights Network] and I felt compelled to grab some literature [Why Vegan? and whatnot]. Earlier that summer, I had gone to Warped Tour, and my friend James from Florida [I miss you, bro! come back to Washington!] went to an AFA [Action for Animals] booth there and got interested in Animal Rights. he said he wanted to go vegetarian [though a year or so ago I called him and he hadn't gone vegetarian and I was vegan. it's funny. not putting him down at all, that's just how things are and it's ironic] and he also got the Propaghandi cd "Less Talk, More Rock" which has neat essays about animal rights, feminism, anti-capitalism, etc in the liner notes and he read them to me. Also, Michelle had been vegetarian for 3 years [though I made fun of her on our early visits -- I'm sorry Michelle! :(], and from Warped Tour I put an anti-fur sticker on my van. When I got the leaflets from bumpershoot, my friends with me tried to take them and throw them in the street (Jeff Shane was one of them!), but I kept them. I don't know what compelled me to look at them... Michelle asked me the other day, and I really don't remember. but I think I gradually was becoming open to the idea of vegetarianism, and that night I went home and read the Why Vegan? It made my cry... it's so graphic and descriptive. [and previously I had made fun of vegetarians and thought it made me cool to eat animals that were killed for my pleasure]. So I cried and vowed to maybe start going vegetarian over the next couple weeks. That night, by the time I had finished reading the Why Vegan? I vowed to go vegan right then and there. [this isn't too common.. most vegans were vegetarians first]. I had a couple relapses and had some ice cream, but I never ate meat again. I didn't feel like talking to my dad much around this time and was depressed, with not seeing Michelle and all, so I didn't tell him and didn't eat anything but peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for 3 weeks. he finally figured it out and started making vegetarian stuff, then became vegan himself! [I had no intention of writing so much... I didn't even know I remembered all this stuff... the mind is crazy and powerful]. So I was depressed, didn't eat, lost 30 pounds over a few months, and became somewhat anorexic.

on a happer note, veganism for me was a gateway to my spiritual awakening. around this time, beginning of my junior year in high school, I also started to read about Buddhism, Hinduism, Jainism, mysticism, etc and became very interested in other religions and started practising parts of them. [and veganism was a doorway to ethnic food]. I also learned about Indian music and starting listening to it.. I learned about Tabla [east Indian drums] from some friends, wanted to learn it. one Saturday, I woke up, took $400 and went to Lark in the Morning in Seattle and bought Tabla (spontaneity is important! don't forget that. Read The Alchemist). a few days later I called up a Tabla Teacher [William Gilchrist] and started taking lessons. Through him and on my own and with Michelle I learned more about Indian music, culture, and religion. I became a full-fledged Wannabe Indian Catholic whiteboy. lol. So since then I've been practising Jainism, Buddhism, Hinduism, Wicca/Paganism, Shamanism, Sufism, mysticism, and even Catholicism and Paganism again. I even dabbled for a while in Great White Brotherhood (like Unitarian Universalism on speed. they embrace all teachings, but they're kinda scary and the commune I attended was weird.. but I'm not judging, that's just from my experience) and the Aquarian Foundation and the Ascended Masters/I AM movement. I embrace all religions and practise bits and pieces from each one, and have finally found what I think is my home, the Unitarian Universalist Church.
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spirituality: I enjoy spirituality, worshipping God, trying to find myself and God, being among Nature, playing music (which leads to God).

anthropology, philosophy, psychology: I love learning about all these and finding them in my life. I love psychology and I seem to have a natural understanding for it. it really helps to have an understanding of it (though I have no formal knowledge of or education in it) to deal with family, yourself, loved ones, and general conflicts in life. anthropology, philosophy, psychology, child behaviour, are all courses I think everyone should have to take in life, especially as a prerequisite to parenthood. Michelle and I plan to take classes in these subjects prior to becoming parents so we can be good parents. spirituality, I think, is important, too.

Activism and politics: liberalism, primitivism, socialist-democracy, peace, anti-war, animal rights, vegetarianism/veganism, equal rights, social justice, protest, questioning authority and thinking for myself, Green Party, environmental conservation, human rights, gay rights, and eco-feminism, Jello Biafra, Bill Hicks, Ralph Nader, Dennis Kucinich.

Books [and reading and writing]: Kahlil Gibran (The Prophet), Paulo Coelho (The Alchemist), Madeleine L'Engle (A Wrinkle in Time and the Time series especially), Ishmael by Daniel Quinn, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance by Robert Pirsig, Next of Kin by Dr. Roger Fouts. These books address so many issues and are important readings for our society, I think. I would recommend all these books above most others. They've all shaped the way I feel, think, and believe. I like Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit (I started reading them BEFORE the movies came out!). I enjoy writing every once in a while... some poetry, but especially essays. I hope to publish a book of essays someday.

tv and movies: I know, I need to evolve to live without these, but some shows are great... they're an oasis. It's like having a dessert. You think, "man, this dessert isn't good. but since it's there, let's go to an oasis". lol, nevermind, I'm on crack. (isn't it funny, from an anthropological-linguistics perspective, the phrases we say? "i'm on crack". and how people our age (teens and 20s and even 30s) are almost of a different subculture than our parents and older adults? my parents wouldn't understand that phrase, and we usually don't say it around them, even without thinking about it. crazy stuff. I love thinking about weird stuff in life like this. analysing stuff. yeah. like one time at a dinner, my step brother and his wife (The other Brian and Michelle) are in their late 20s, I think.. and Michelle and I were 18 and 19, and we were all talking about "I am the great cornholio! need TP for my bunghole!" from Beavis and Butthead and my dad and Barbara looked at us kinda funny, and we had to explain it's from beavis and butthead. it's funny. different subcultures, almost.) ANYwhooski.
I enjoy the Simpsons (it's so intelligent and political), Red Dwarf, 7th Heaven (I can't help it!), and an occasional Gilmore Girls. I used to enjoy Days of our Lives (Michelle's fault!) and Family Guy.
Great movies are Indian films (Kama Sutra, Monsoon Wedding, Mystic Masseur, Such a Long Journey, etc... anything by Mira Nair and with Om Puri), Interview with the Vampire and the Crow (tribute to my former goth self), Little Women, Lord of the Rings (I read the books first), Steal This Movie, Mystery Men, Wayne's World, Yellow Submarine, Run Lola Run, Dancer in the Dark, the Crucile, Wedding Singer, Riding in Cars with Boys, anything with Drew Barrymore, most movies with Brittany Murphy.

cooking and food: I love Indian and Thai food and also enjoy Middle Eastern, Italian, Mexican, Malaysian, Indonesian, basically every type of food. My favourite dishes are Kofta, Eggplant Bhartha, BB Broccoli, anything asian with Broccoli. I love Mongolian "Beef" with fake meat. mmm. mostly I like Asian and Indian but enjoy most kinds of food (though I don't like most vegetables!). I like fruit, though. mangoes are my favourite.
I call myself the spice man. I prize myself on my spice collection (mostly organic!). I love cooking... I always kinda wanted to and liked it, but lately, because we've had our own place, I've gotten to cook a lot, and have grown to love it (I just usually don't like doing dishes! but that can be kinda fun sometimes). Michelle and I make a great team. She makes the best vegan pancakes ever, and great vegan cookies and peanut butter bars. she rocks. so she does breakfast and dessert and I do dinner =) I make spicy peanut butter noodles and stir-fry a lot... we have to learn Indian food soon. (my niece Shelby, 15, is an awesome cook and loves it to do it so we cook together when we get a chance). So mostly we make asian food. cooking's fun. we enjoy doing it together.

nature and animals: I love animals and Nature. we're all a part of it, and we ought to start acting like it. many indigenous socities have lived in harmony with, as part of, Nature, for thousands of years, and there are so many problems because we view ourselves as separate from Her. Today I just read in my philosophy textbook about Spinoza, who argued that Nature is God (or something like that), so it's interesting that I came across this. God is everywhere. She is everything. The way I most easily see and come to know God is through Nature... Nature's a brilliant embodiment of God, of Herself. For me, it's the easiest way to see Her. perhaps I can come to see Her through myself, too. (since God is in me, and i am God and i am part of God.) So I love Nature and we need to protect Her, not destroy Her! Earth is a living being, like all of us, and everything on Earth is interdependent and interconnected and we need to realize that every little thing we do can have an effect on something on the other side of the world, and I believe even elsewhere in the Universe. We must embrace Her, and at least just not destroy Her. To put it on a mundane level, if we cut down all the trees, there won't be oxygen for us (or any other beings) so we can't breathe and we'll die. it's that simple, am I correct? we need to Love Her, and love eachother as ourselves. all the major Teachers and Teachings preach this. "All you need is Love" -- Beatles :)

Photography: I like to take pictures of Nature [with Michelle's digital camera:)]. give me an hour and a pretty spot and I'll take 300 pictures (I've really done it before!).
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Let the Earth and Her Animals Live
Thou Shalt Not Kill
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